The Loop

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A friend of mine once asked,

“what do you miss the most about your childhood?”
My mouth open,

Ready to deliver what I am sure was supposed to be a regaling tale of lavish, happy childhood memories.

That was until it suddenly dawned on me,

Sunrise had come anew and with it the tragic realisation,

There was nothing to miss.

That is not to say I didn’t have a “happy” childhood,

I Just can’t seem to remember anything that made it happy.

But I guess that’s the thing with depression,

The more you try to tether yourself to that which brings you joy,

The harder you try to remember,

The longer you try to hold on,

The more fragile your grip.

The weaker your mind becomes.

Depression will strip every piece of joy from your heart and mind,

Imprison you in a cycle of thought,

It will force you to live out all your trauma,

Day to day,

Until eventually time becomes stagnant.

You stop seeing sunrise and sunset.

You are caught in an endless loop that eventually becomes your reality.

At some point you forget why you are depressed.

You have buried the thing that caused you pain but failed to bury the pain too.

It now a constant.

One you have learnt to live with,

One you can no longer live without,

Even though you desperately want it out of your life.

You want an escape but…

“Hey dude!”

His voice draws me out of thought.

My mouth is still open.

He is waiting is silent expectation of an answer that is never coming.

“You know, nothing in particular comes to mind.”

We stare at the sunset.

The loop is resetting.

Here we go again.

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